I am part of the great “social network” now, and I log in every now and then to check on my status and to see if anyone new wants to be my friend. I was resistant to joining it all at first, and it was my wife who convinced me. Up until then, I had only heard bad things about joining the online social center – stories of married couples who went on, and one member suddenly realized that they should have lived that “alternate reality” and married the young basketball player or cheerleader that they dated in middle school. I also heard stories of the deep and long lasting consequences after people had their information taken and used against them in some way on the social network – stories of people who lost money, prestige, and even their identities simply because they wanted to “connect” online.
For my wife, the impetus to join was an upcoming high school reunion. She moved from Long Island to upstate New York because this is where the money was. Wait, that wasn’t it exactly. She moved here because we have better bagels, beaches, and bakeries. No, that doesn’t sound right, either. Well, for whatever reason – she moved here and when word of this reunion got to her, she decided to join the social network to see exactly who else was going to this reunion. It worked out well – she reconnected with many of her old friends, and for the first month or so, she spent many hours online laughing, and typing, and looking at where time had taken people and what they were up to now. And then the thrill wore off. In the end, she decided not to go to the reunion, because she had found out so much about the people she really wanted to see there that she felt she did not need to go. I found out recently that one of the effects of the social network is just that – it is killing the need for “reunions” that take place face to face. People can do their catching up quicker, and sooner through the internet.
When I started up my consulting business, I decided to log on to the network myself. My wife and a few friends convinced me that it would be good for marketing and for the business overall. One of my biggest hesitations was running into or getting requests for “friendship” from old girlfriends. Some of those relationships from the past hadn’t ended particularly well if “ended” is even the word for it. I had just left, or stopped calling, or dropped off their cassette tapes that were in my car in the mailbox and I figured they would get the message. I am not proud of these behaviors, but, as I have mentioned in the past, my sole technique when anyone got anywhere “close” to me in the past was what has come to be known as the “Gump” method: “Run, Forest, run!” My wife had a slew of old boyfriends that contacted her, but she seemed to not be as bothered by it – her past relationships seem to have ended somewhat amicably, and even though she made the effort to tell me how old, or bald, or in some way pathetic they were, I made a mental list of the men who would probably be sending flowers and sympathy cards should a fatal “accident” take me out. If that scenario arises, I have left a list of the top three suitors in an undisclosed location, based solely on their economic incomes, and having nothing to do with their degree of overall “lameness”. Really. It doesn’t. So, in any case, when I first went online, I braced myself for my slew of ex-girlfriend contact. It never came. And that was good – I guess. I mean, I’m sure that they “thought” of contacting me, but probably after seeing how well I have held up physically over the years, and how awesome my overall life has turned out, it would be very difficult not to be intimidated to contact me. Not to mention the countless hours of mental torture and life review that might ensue if they were to get a message from me that said “Hello.” My wife didn’t seem to think it had anything to do with these issues – she thought that most of my past girlfriends probably didn’t know how to type, much less use a computer. And I suppose that is a possibility as well.
But I did contact and was contacted by many old friends whom I would not have seen or spoken to without the “network”. It was wonderful catching up and seeing where life has taken them. I was able to meet with a few when they came back to the area for various reasons, and that was great. My initial obsession with “the network” waned after a few months just as my wife’s had. I have heard that is a commonality as well – the thrill wears off after a month or two. I continue to check in, to post my weekly blog, and to add an occasional comment or “like” now and then, but, overall, that is the extent of my socialization.
So I write all these lines to let you know that I get it. I understand why this form of communication has become so popular, and I see its usefulness in society today. It is appealing. And convenient. And economically sound. It is hard for me to believe that I grew up in a world where “long distance charges” were a very real and important consideration in talking to people outside of your area code. All of that has changed, and the ability to communicate with friends and family through what was once known only as the “world wide web” is here! Amazing. But, like any web in nature, the spiders who are creating this thing are choosing the location, size, and, too often, victims. More specifically, I am concerned about the amount of school aged children – elementary, middle, and high school kids, who are logging in and soon finding themselves tangled in the messy, dangerous, and sometimes fatal folds of the web.
Let’s start with the elementary kids. Recently I was making the rounds to some local fourth and fifth grade classrooms. I made it a point to ask these students if they had cellphones, emails, video games that allowed for communication with others, and social networking accounts. The results? The majority of kids did not have their own cell phones – they were allowed to borrow a parent’s if needed. Most of the kids did own video games that they could send messages with. When I asked these kids if they had witnessed “flaming” cyber language on these games (extremely foul language and put downs about the game or other players), every hand went up, along with some chuckles. When it came to email accounts and social networking sites, the majority of kids did not report having their own accounts. Again, many reported using a family member’s contact information whenever needed. In the classrooms where there were higher numbers of email accounts and social network users, every teacher reported at least one negative incident during the school year that involved online communication and requested that I spend some extra time reviewing the dangers associated with this technology. The main points I want to make, and will continue to make with elementary kids and their families: Don’t have it, don’t need it, don’t get it. So if you are a parent of an elementary student who is telling you that “everyone else has one”, get names. The truth is that most of the students in this age group do not, and should not.
Middle school and high school are the true breeding grounds for cyber trouble. The most recent studies I have found show that most bullying, regardless of it is online or direct, happens between the ages of 11 – 15. These figures are consistent across cultures, and have not changed significantly with the increased use of the internet or texting. These are the “hotspot” ages. So the answer becomes fairly obvious: just keep your kid away from every form of communication until the age of 16! At that point, they can go and get their driver’s permit, and drive around texting until their heart’s content, right? Maybe not. It simply is not realistic to expect that most young people will not play the “everyone else has one” card, and it also is important to remember that at that age the sole purpose of life is the desire to fit in. Not to mention that in middle and high school, I think that the “forbidden fruit” idea of wanting what you are not allowed to have may play a bigger role than earlier in life. So for this age group, the responsibility rests, as it should, solely on the parent to talk, and talk, and talk to your child about the dangers and responsibilities associated with the web they are entering. One of the goals with my business is to emphasize repetition of messages. I found out early on that one visit for one hour with kids may make an impression, but they need to be reminded regularly of the things we talked about. We all need reminders. Especially about how to behave ourselves. I know I do. Too often parents might have “a talk” with their children about behaviors that are causing concern and then never revisit or check in on the matter to see where the child is at with it now. We need to talk and listen more with our kids – period.
Along with consistent communication, there is also the need for guidance and direction. Parents have a responsibility to educate themselves about every form of communication, entertainment and social activity that their children are participating in. Let me say it again: a responsibility to know these things. It is not an option. I have spoken before about some parent’s strong desire to “trust” a child, and how dangerous that can be. Trust is wonderful and beautiful and priceless, but when we, as parents, are faced with evidence that contradicts that trust, it is our job, our right, and our responsibility to look deeper. I can not tell you the number of times that I have had parents ask me a very similar question to this one:
“ I think Sally is smoking marijuana. She comes home past her curfew, doesn’t answer her cell phone when we call, and her clothes all smell like pot smoke. She also started hanging out with a new boy at school, and some other friends who we have not met. She quit the basketball team, and her grades have all gone down. When she is home, she spends most of the time in her room, on her phone or computer. She barely talks to me or my spouse anymore. Should I ask her about it? Do I have a right to search her room at this point?”
Can you guess the correct answer? I hope so. If not, here are some of the “basics” for dealing with the above situation:
- Talk to the spouse. Make sure you approach the issue as a united front. I am amazed at how many times couples will tell me that one spouse “usually Dad,” does not want to rock the boat on the “trust thing”.
- Sit Sally down and tell her, using your own words, not mine, or not some contrived, self help mumbo jumbo, that you love her more than you can really say and that you are very fearful – than say why as specifically as you can. “Grades, pot smoke smell, quitting basketball team, unknown friends, not answering phone, etc..” Then listen to her. Do not yell or get angry – default to words of love, concern, and fear for her as needed.
- Move the phone and computer out of Sally’s room – indefinitely. All electronic communication devices are plugged into a power strip in your bedroom at night – indefinitely.
- Require that she answer the phone when you call or that she return the call within 30 – 45 minutes when she is out.
- All friends are to come to your house, at least a few times, so that you and your spouse can meet them. No more “unknown” friends.
You may want to write these things down for Sally, make them part of a contract, and have everyone sign it. If things get better with these guidelines – great! If things do not get better, or if the contract is ignored or consistently broken, it’s time to “renegotiate”. This would be the time to consider a room search, less social activities outside of the home “grounding,” and possible urine drug screens.
Sounds like fun – right? No. Not at all. But it beats the alternative. Which is ignoring a problem that will not go away by itself. And it has been my experience, consistently, that young people whose parents ask questions, get involved, and are, in general, annoyingly informed, will understand, respect, and appreciate the guidance, care, and love more that those kids who feel their parents are clueless or completely disinterested in their lives. Our society works hard to keep parents busy with all the wrong things. We need to change that, it’s not going to get better without parent involvement. And even with parent involvement, it is going to be a long road to change the general consensus in our country about what is really important. But that is O.K. I don’t have to convince the masses today – I just need to make sure my kids know that they are loved more than I will ever be able to express, and that the decisions I’m making now, and the ones I will make in the future, many of which they will not like, agree with, or maybe even understand, came with my responsibility as their parent, and guardian, and father – not as their friend.
One last word about the social network. What do you think it is for? What is its purpose? Perhaps this is a rhetorical question, one for you to ponder awhile. I ask you because I think it is a question our kids need answered. I do have an opinion on it, but my thoughts may change. I think that the network, which was created in part after a young man thought it would be cool to have other young people vote online about who they thought was “hotter” by pirating photos of female college students and setting up an illegal online voting registry, was made to make money. And it has made money. Lots of money. I’m not sure, but I do not think the young man who I mentioned before has used any of the money to help any worthwhile causes, nor do I think he has any intention of doing so in the future. So money making seems to be a primary goal. Another use, and the one I like the most, is that it has allowed people to reconnect, or keep in touch with others regardless of distance. That is nice. But, as I remind the students I talk to, they see each other every day! Is it really necessary to be “connecting” every evening as well? My wife “and chief editor,” reminded me that adolescents, especially females, may have that need to connect in middle and high school – she did, anyway. But the difference back then was that her primary source of “connection” was the wall phone mounted in the kitchen, so privacy was confined to how far you could stretch the cord away from the kitchen – possibly making it as far as the bathroom. And let’s not forget the time limits. There was one phone line into the house. Everybody relied on that one line, so hours and hours could not be spent chatting if another family member also needed to “connect” – or use the bathroom! Times have indeed changed, but the core values – the need for parents to set healthy boundaries, and guidelines, and rules does not need to change. In fact, in my humble opinion, we need those things now more than ever. Good luck with sorting this all out in your home, it is, indeed worth the effort. And don’t forget to friend me online if you haven’t done so already 🙂 LOL
Hey Brian,
Good read… Being new to the parenting game I sometimes feel like a prison warden, sometimes to the point that I continually feel the need to justify my actions with my wife, even though she completely agrees with me before the fact. Drives her crazy when I do that too by the way..
The point I guess I’d like to make is that I couldn’t agree more with this blog, and it’s good to know I’m not the only one with these beliefs. Makes me feel less old fashion in a way… Keep up the good work!!!