My life today is precious and priceless and nearly perfect. I am not looking to trade my life in for another, and I have faith that all will be well in the end if I continue to keep moving forward and do my best in the roles that have been assigned to me. People sometimes use the term “stewardship” to describe our obligations to these matters, and I think it makes sense. We are all given things and people and situations to look after – to take care of – and to love during our lives and our attention to these affairs seems to be of the utmost importance at some intuitive, instinctual level of our beings. It defines who and what we are – the very essence of our character.
I have worked harder at some times than at others at learning and practicing wise counsel about stewardship and fatherhood during the last 11 years since my oldest daughter was born. I have also accumulated a fair amount of writings and wisdom on these topics from a variety of healthier minds than my own. Today I thought I would share some of the bits and pieces I have picked up about fatherhood in the hopes that it will be of use to you in your own life. Here are some of the things I have tried to incorporate into my own journey as a father:
- Express And Receive Love As Best You Can: “The Five Love Languages,” by Gary Chapman is a book that helps me immensely in this area by pointing out the many ways people show their love. Men in general tend to rely more on what Chapman terms “Acts of Service” than on long, deep, heartfelt conversations about our feelings. Most men also want to feel respected and appreciated for what they do, and we are more likely to feel less loved if these things are lacking. As fathers, we need to make sure we recognize and begin to speak the love language of our children. I do not think a dad can show his kids too much love.
- Write Down What Is MOST Important To You: What are the three most important things in your life? Write them down. Put these three things somewhere that you will see them each day. Now start managing your time so that these three things come first whenever possible. I have seen different versions of this simple idea in many self-help philosophies, and I have found that it works best when my priorities are actually written down and I am able to see them regularly. I need reminders when life gets busy, and you might, too!
- Remember Who You Are: I don’t cry much. I’m not particularly proud of that fact, and I have a deep respect and admiration for men who can show their emotions through tears so openly. I think it takes great courage. But a few things will almost always touch me deeply enough to be brought to tears: the song “Amazing Grace” played on bagpipes; moments of pure joy and contentment with my family when my eyes are temporarily and truly opened to all I have been given; and the scene from the movie “The Lion King” when Simba’s father Mufasa appears from beyond the grave and reminds him to remember who he is. I’m not sure why this scene moves me so much or why it speaks to my inner moral compass – I just know that it does. And oddly enough I have spoken to other men who feel the same way. Perhaps it is because we men are often called to take on so many roles throughout our lives – so many things that can take precedence and try to define who we are or are not throughout our lifetimes. We need to remember who we really are.
- Stick Around: I have been on a few Men’s Retreats, and have spent countless hours listening to many different people talk about what it means to “Be A Man.” What I have taken from it all is that the essence of being a man is simply showing up when needed and not leaving when the going gets tough. We need to stick around more. We need to be around for our kids’ sporting events, and school plays, and to play board games as a family. We need to hold our childrens’ hands when they get hurt or when they get their first shot at the Doctor’s office. There is a difference in being away from our families in order to provide for them and distancing ourselves as a form of avoidance and isolation. Each of us needs to determine where that line is in our lives. We also need to expect that controversies will arise at home – that fatherhood and marriages and our work and most relationships are hard – but we will stick around – no matter what. Every report I have seen shows that children suffer when a dad leaves and does not continue to have regular contact with his children. Some marital situations may require leaving – especially those involving abuse of some type – but we need to make sure we have made every effort to do our part as fathers and in relationships before leaving, and we must never neglect our responsibilities to our children.
- Don’t Knock It Until You Try It: If you grew up watching “School House Rock” on Saturday mornings, you’ll remember this idea. And it really speaks to remaining teachable throughout our lives as men and fathers. I have seen too many men define what their children will or will not do, or be, or learn about because of their own unwillingness to remain open and teachable. The stereotypical male who decides his son or daughter will be “the best” basketball player ever epitomizes this role. This is the coach who spends countless hours together with their child, but fun is never the goal – winning always is. Encouraging and instructing and leading our children is wonderful, but we also need to keep a watchful eye on where our ambitions stop and where our kids’ interests and true natures begin. We need to listen to our children and to allow them to teach us about who they are. We also need to be very careful about programming our wills and desires into our children. I think that every kid wants to hear their dad say that he is proud of them. They deserve that. And we need to tell them that we are proud and full of love for who they are whether it is on the basketball court, after the spelling bee, or when they come home crying because of the “C+” they scored on a very hard test.
- Pray Together: No secret here. Initiating prayer with your family is important – especially with your kids. Our family has not been a part of any organized religion for the last few years, but I pray at least twice daily with my kids – around the dinner table and kneeling at their bedside, every night. I was brought up by a busy, rushing, workaholic father – but he never missed mass on Sundays. And although I no longer follow the religion of my upbringing, I am thankful for both of my parents for establishing a base for my own spiritual growth. We need to take the role of spiritual leaders in our homes.
- Practice What You Preach: Most of the learning that takes place in families comes from modeling the words and actions that kids see every day. I often hear my father’s words when I talk to my own kids now, and I also recognize his attitudes, behaviors, and mannerisms in myself. I believe this is inevitable to a point, and as dads we need to set the best examples for our kids that we can by “walking the walk,” not just “talking the talk”.
- Enjoy The Ride: Bill Cosby talks about how his father always walked around the house looking confused and irritated and asking “Where is your mother?” I am guilty of this at many times. I need to lighten up and enjoy the ride. This precious time when my kids are growing up will be gone before I know it. Men are often asked to fulfill many roles inside and outside of the home, and this can be incredibly draining on our physical and emotional energies. It is important to sit back at times and just enjoy what we have been given. Make the time and take the effort to really get to know your kids as people and to rejoice that they are in your life. Hard times will come and go. Money can truly not buy your happiness. Your life and the majority of your legacy will be defined in those times and priceless moments when you truly enjoyed the ride with your family.
I hope some of these things will speak to you dads out there as we prepare to celebrate our day. I wish you all a Happy Father’s Day, and countless moments of fulfillment with your own kids in the upcoming year!
Your daughters are so blessed to have you as a father. They are growing up with a role model of a loving, caring, patient, funny dad. How many dads give voices to all of their stuffed animals? Who else dresses up for Halloween in a costume that will give the most people a good laugh? I’m sure your dad is so very proud of the son that gave him such joy, and in the years he could not be here sees the man who does not forget who he is? Happy Father’s Day. I am so very proud of you and the parent you are. God bless.