I have always loved the snow, and the effects that snow can have on our regular schedules. Lately I have been reminded of the excitement and endless possibilities that always came with hearing that school had been cancelled due to a snowstorm when I was young. For me, the day off meant spending time with my father and grandfather. We lived just down the street from my father’s parents, and we would head to their house as soon as we had cleared our driveway. Once there, we would grab the shovels and start digging while my grandfather used his plow truck for the driveway and the parking lot of the small grocery store that they owned adjacent to their house.
After this was completed, we were far from done. My father would usually head off to his full time job, but I was left to spend the majority of the day with my grandfather. The two of us would pile into his truck, and travel around the neighborhood helping the neighbors to remove the snow from their driveways. He would travel from house to house, dropping the plow and swiping away everyone’s worries with ease. I loved the feeling of helping others and the smiles and gratitude on other’s faces. It made me very proud to be part of our family. My grandfather never asked anyone for any money for this help. He just did it. He did the right thing.
Doing the right thing was always emphasized when I was growing up, but it never needed to be spelled out – it was just a way of life. My entire neighborhood worked by similar rules. I remember going to the garage of a friend who was a mechanic whenever our car had trouble. He would often tell us how to fix it, or fix it himself, or at least offer an initial diagnosis before we brought it anywhere else for repairs. As a teenager, I would spend countless hours in that same garage, heated only by a woodstove in the winter, learning how to fix various parts on my own car and cars from around the neighborhood. In the summer, we would come home and find bags full of fresh vegetables that someone had left from their garden. I rarely remember buying corn, tomatoes, or other vegetables from a store when I grew up – I just figured that the store carried those for people who did not like the fresh vegetables that their neighbors delivered. As I would sit by my grandmother or grandfather at their small store, I would often see one of them write down a number on a piece of paper when people could not pay the bill. I also witnessed plenty of people who would offer to barter fruits, vegetables, home made breads, cakes, and other items in exchange for necessary groceries. There was one old man who would wobble up unsteadily on his bike from time to time with a large basket on the front with an old brown paper bag covering a bottle rattling around in the basket. He would inquire about mowing the lawn, or cleaning the gutters, or doing some type of work around the building and my grandparents would always employ him doing something, and then fill his basket with bread and food as payment. And they knew everyone, or nearly everyone, who came into that store by name. None of this seemed strange or out of the ordinary at the time. This was the way life was, and this was how people treated each other. I never remember anyone in my family ever saying to me “We are going to help out our neighbors when it snows because they are elderly, or widowed, or a single parent home, or they have a family member with an illness, or simply because they could use the help and we are going to step in and step up because it is the right thing to do.” We just leant a hand when help was needed. It was what we did – a habit, a learned behavior. I took it for granted that all families operated this way, and that doing the right thing was as prevalent as common sense.
It was really not until I went away to college that I got a new perspective on things. I saw people who did not operate by the same rules. They would see people needing help and walk by. They never really reached out to neighbors, acquaintances, and those around them. Many did not make eye contact with new people or wave a friendly hand in acknowledgement. Many people looked at me suspiciously as I went around smiling and chirping out “Hello!” to strangers. For the first time, I had to go to complete strangers to fix my car and to help me out with other problems. I found out that most places charge a lot of money for “labor”! I was shocked the first time a new friend walked out of the college store with me and said “Look what I just stole!” holding up a candy bar. I could not believe that he had just taken something without paying for it. I mean, I knew he had the money – it was not like we were starving to death. As a matter of fact, we were getting fatter than ever on the college meal plan – and he just took something from a store without paying for it! Looking back now, I can’t believe how naïve I must have seemed to other people. Many were probably thinking “Who is this woodchuck?” or “maybe he’s mentally ill – I’ve seen mentally ill people act that way on t.v. – a moder n day Forest Gump!” In any case, it wasn’t long before I, too, stopped making eye contact, saying hello, and walking by when others seemed to need assistance. I stopped giving off an air of overall friendliness. To this day, I have to remind myself before I step in and help – it no longer is an instinct, a habit.
I continue to hold on to some naïve thoughts, however. One of them is that people inherently know the right thing to do – even if they don’t do it all the time. I have a very hard time believing that we are not hardwired from birth with a sense of morality, a compassion, a sense of belonging to the earth and the people around us. In short, I think most people know the right thing to do in most situations. I use the term “most,” because the majority of media coverage seems to go to those people who seem to lack this hardwiring. At any given time of the night or day, you are able to read about or tune into stories of heinous acts of inhumanity against each other committed by people who are portrayed as soulless, evil villains stalking for their next victim. And these stories are real. These things do happen, and it seems as if something very basic is missing in the people who commit these crimes. I for one do not know what the missing piece is – brain disorders, horribly traumatic childhood “and life” stories, too much t.v., demonic worship or possession? The list of possible causes goes on and on, and it only gets worse. I believe that these people are the exception, the minority of our population, and yet the news and media stories are almost entirely devoted to their behaviors and crimes. If these messages were the only ones I had about human behavior as a child, I may have never made eye contact or talked to anyone ever again!
So my real question is this: where are today’s youth learning to do the right thing? How long are we going to leave the issue of what is currently being termed “character education” to the schools, and churches and youth groups of our communities. When did the issue and the formation of good character leave the realm of the home, and the family, and the neighborhoods where our children are spending most of their time? I hear many people of my generation speaking about a “different world,” when we were young – a world when the neighborhood kids would get together from early morning until lunch or dinner time and amuse themselves using only their imaginations, or with the simplest of toys – a ball, a few sticks, a kite or two. Why did this change? Some people I talk to mention the maniacs and child abductors, the ones who get the majority of media attention, as a reason that “hanging out,” has turned into “scheduled, supervised play dates,” for many kids. And this is O.K. Supervision and vigilance is important, and knowledge of who is living and wandering around our towns, communities, and cities is important. When it comes to our children, “better safe than sorry,” is always a good slogan.
But something is not working in the social lives of many of our children. Many are not forming good character traits. Many are not able to share well. Many are not able to handle disappointments well “in fact, these kids can’t handle not getting everything they want or ask for.” Many simply do not know how to communicate well. They are losing the ability to make eye contact, to listen well, to start a simple conversation with “Hello – how are you?” I am continually amazed at the number of young cashiers, salespeople, or other youth working at a job who will not begin the basics of a conversation with me, as their customer, unless I initiate it. Worse yet, many or them will continue conversations with others while cashing me out, and often these conversations will center around how much they hate their job. When did this become the norm? These may seem like small, trivial, insignificant behaviors, but I believe that they are all contributing to the ongoing problem of who is responsible for teaching our kids the basics of what is right. Something as simple as showing a customer civility, friendliness, and appreciation seems to indicate the roots of a much larger and growing problem in our culture. The problem of doing the right thing.
Fortunately, the answer to all of these problems is simple. Ready? Do the right thing, all ways. And if you have kids, let them see you doing it. Donate to homeless shelters, food pantries and animal rescue organizations. Get involved in a fund raising event with your kids for cancer, or diabetes, or alzheimers, or some other event. Involve your kids in baking or cooking something for a neighbor or community member in need. Make sure you are taking advantage of what educators call “teachable moments” – those times when an opportunity for helping, or friendliness, or being a good neighbor or friend present themselves. Modern technology should be helping us with this – we are only three clicks of a mouse away from finding out about, well, about everything and anything, and you don’t have to look far to find stories of people reaching out to help others – you just have to look under the surface of most newspapers, t.v. shows, or magazines to find these stories. They are not the stories that are “hogging the headlines,” but they are out there. Do the right thing – take the time. Stop walking by. Listen more. Use your words to build up rather than to tear down. Remember that each day you are creating your own legacy – what will you be remembered for? Slow down. Focus on what matters. My challenge this week is for each of us “myself included,” to do one selfless act. Have a young person help you if you can. And drop me a line to let me know what it was and how it felt…
Grandpa would be so proud of you that you are sharing those memories with others. You can only imagine what a 19 year old girl coming from Brooklyn experienced when moving to Corinth in 1966, and seeing how people cooked for others, and basically did the right thing without any mention to others. As you said it was the norm. Great article.
I’m just getting to this now. Loving the memories :). I still find myself smiling and saying “Hello” to strangers I pass on the street – it is normal to me (why would I NOT smile?!) but I’ve found that sometimes people just don’t know what to make of it! Lately, though, it seems more people are smiling back.
The boys enjoy giving to others and the ANA Memorial Walk has become one of their favorite events. They are so proud to be part of something that helps others. And, when Carlos was asked, in school, what he wanted to be able to do when he got older, he said he wanted to have a lot of money so he could give it away to poor people. Made me proud that he was thinking of helping those less fortunate. Jovanni has become an ANA ambassador of sorts, always finding a way to help. And your girls will undoubtedly fall in their parents’ footsteps as well, making a difference in so many ways to so many people.
Hugs to you, my friend. 🙂