Is there anything worse than a hypocrite? Well, probably. In fact, I’m sure there certainly is. But this week I am feeling like a hypocrite, and it feels pretty bad. Over the last few weeks, I have been pouring out advice over working through old hurts and pains “all of which was good, solid, accurate advice, by the way”. But during this time, I was becoming aware of a voice in my head getting steadily louder and louder. The message was clear: “That all sounds great, but what about you?”
One of the embarrassing but true realities of my life story is that much of the counsel, ruminations, and advice I put out for others falls under the “Do as I say, not as I do” category of self help. More accurately, my situation would be akin to “Do as I say, not as I have done in the past” because most of the things I talk about now I really am trying to implement into my life – “try” being the pivotal word here. But there is one particular subject that I have avoided because I know it continues to be a struggle for me, and over these last few weeks it became painfully obvious that the time had come to face my weakness in this area – to once again try to work through it rather than around it.
I am not a good forgiver. In fact, I’m really bad at it. There, I said it. I can blame, or more accurately trace the origins of my unforgiving nature back to the environment in which I grew up. I have written about the wonderful morals and values acquired by growing up in a small town, and all of the things I have said are true with a sprinkle of exaggeration “or writer’s license as I’m told it’s called,” but I also learned to hold a grudge from these folks as well. In fact, I grew up around many people who gave others one chance at trust, and then froze them out or shut them down, or got them back – whichever opportunity came first. The adage “Fool me once, shame on you, but fool me twice shame on me,” was, in fact, painted below the sign welcoming people to the community “O.K., that’s an example of writer’s license, but you get the idea.” It was quite common to have people within this community who had not spoken to each other, often family members, because of a seemingly trivial incident that may have happened years, if not decades before.
I could also cite my ethnicity as a source for unforgiveness. My mother is a second generation Irish immigrant, and she would often talk about her relatives in Ireland being very careful about talking outside or in public areas because the nosy neighbors might be hiding in the bushes or behind yonder rock wall. This mistrust of “outsiders” was also common in the small town of my youth. So the mindset of mistrust permeated my youth, and was a source of my unwillingness and/or incapacity to forgive others for perceived wrongs done to me.
And these seeds of my unforgiving nature are all very well and good for me to look at and to ponder and to justify my current struggles in this area – but they don’t make the problem go away. I have found that not forgiving someone does not work very well, and it doesn’t feel very good. It is one of the ice dams I spoke of last week. It stays stuck, and frozen, and it grows bigger and bigger over time. It does not help in moving forward, or in removing old injuries out and away from the body and soul. And it can remain there for years, or in some cases, a lifetime.
The voices in my head were reminding me of all this during my blogs about holding on to pain from the past. The ironic thing about forgiveness, at least for me, is that there seems to be this rather gray area – a thin line between forgiveness of someone and having a healthy boundary set so that people do not “fool me twice”. All of my personal and professional experience has reinforced this idea. The often overused and misunderstood term “codependent” speaks to this issue. Many people will continue to stay in relationships where they are lied to, manipulated, hurt, and treated badly because they are not able to establish boundaries – to separate themselves from the source of their pain. And this is extremely unhealthy. On the other hand, other people simply “freeze out” the source of the pain and carry around that cold feeling indefinitely. Either option seems bad, a true lose- lose scenario.
And to make matters worse, most self help literature and spiritual advice seems just as undecided on which course of action to take. The Bible, which I consider the Granddaddy of self help information, first tells us to take “an eye for an eye” in the Old Testament. We are also given a picture of a vengeful God, one who has no problem unleashing floods, locusts, and overall calamity on the unrighteous and unjust. That seems pretty strait forward. But along comes Jesus in the New Testament to say that we had it all wrong when it comes to forgiveness. That, in fact, we are to forgive over, and over and over again. To expect pain, and disappointments, and let downs from others because of the flawed essence of human nature. We, as humans, are bound to blow it once in a while. When this happens, Jesus advised“turning the other cheek,” and not internalizing the pain. He went as far as instructing people to stay out of the church until they had forgiven those who had hurt them. We are told to embrace humility through these actions, and to put others ahead of ourselves. The New Testament goes on to emphasize this point by reporting that some of his last words – while being crucified, tortured, and taunted – were “forgive them, Father – they know not what they do”. I have a feeling that if Jesus were living on the earth today, many articles would be written about his “codependent” nature. Modern self help gurus might have him as a guest on their afternoon talk shows and suggest that he implement healthier boundaries between himself and his rivals.
Christian faith, at its core, is in fact based on this philosophy that “all is forgivable”. ALL can be forgiven. That gives me hope, and it troubles me. Some things seem pretty bad – horrible in fact – unimaginably painful. As I write about the effects of bullying, and research actual cases of kids driven to suicide or homicide because of being hurt – I wonder where the responsibility lies. I want justice. When I think about other children that have been hurt, or abused in some way, or even murdered by people they trusted, I feel a sense of outrage and vengeance burn within me. I can’t imagine being a parent of these children and going through life. And I wonder – should these things be forgiven? And even for smaller issues: harsh words, judgmental actions, and hurtful habits. What if a person keeps doing these same things over and over again? Can these folks be forgiven? Should they be forgiven? Do they deserve trust? Can’t I just “boundary” them out of my life and keep moving on?
As I said in the beginning of this blog – I know what sounds good, but it doesn’t mean I implement it. What sounds good is to work towards a relationship, or more accurately a forgiving attitude that allows you to accept this person, or these people in your life without an expectation that they will change. In short, a “boundary” does not have to be a wall – or an iceberg that completely freezes them in and keeps you from the other person. sometimes it may need to be – if the pain or risk of harm from is too great. But more often, the boundary is based on an expectation that somehow this person will change to become the person you would like – your own personal clay person to mold and shape as you see fit.
That is the healthy way to forgive while not forgetting. It is also the best way I have heard of to deal with these people and situations without somehow feeling like you have done something wrong, or that you are somehow the cause of the problem. In many ways, this attitude towards forgiveness and expectations is helpful in freeing you from the guilt of being part of the problem. We can only change ourselves. And part of this change often involves the reactions we have towards others. Stop expecting them to act any differently than they have in the past. Forgive them, or forget them, or accept them, or leave them alone – but try not to carry their pain.
So good luck with all this – I’ve said it now, and I’ve even told you that I have a really hard time with the “forgiveness thing”. And it’s not for a lack of knowing what to do. I can talk the talk all day long about forgiving. Here’s a final tip that I heard a long time ago, but have just started trying again. Pray for those you want “or need” to forgive. And don’t pray “go get them,” or “change them.” Just mention their name with the hope of your forgiveness in your prayers. I have found it to be tough at first, but helpful in the long run. Good luck in being your best in all ways this week, and wishing the same for ALL those around you…
Life is constant learning, and unlearning. I agree we get so much from values instilled early. Some work, some don’t. We spend the majority of our adult life sorting it out. Great message to take into this time before Lent.
Very interesting subject, Brian. My mother was always one to hold a grudge, and I have two sisters that grew up just like her – they actually choose to sever relationships than to forgive other peoples’ missteps. How sad for them.