Last week my family and I joined another group that we did not sign up for. We were thrust into membership by fate, by chance, or by incredibly bad Karma, depending on your personal belief system and the God or gods you worship. Regardless, the fact remains that we have become “those people”. The ones that make for a brief topic of dinner parties or at the P.T.A. meeting “Did you hear about the Farrs? Oh, no, what happened?” We are also getting “the looks”. You know the ones – the looks that come when people don’t know whether to act cheery, or morose, or some combination of the two. I am not saying this to be bitter or judgemental of others, I have been on the other side of these situations countless times, and I know that there is really no great instructions on how to look or act or behave around someone going through tough times. It is like that awkward moment when you wonder if you should ask the woman who looks “a little pregnant” if she is, but it is much stronger, much scarier, and potentially more damaging. I am just coming to terms with the fact that we suddenly and without much warning became many people’s worst nightmares. Their deepest fear. The family that just took a seat in the ” their are others worse off than us” room.
The strange part is, we are O.K. As a matter of fact, we are better than that. We have circled the proverbial wagons of our close friends and family and built a stronghold at our home. The German philosopher Fredrich Nietzche said “What does not destroy us makes us stronger”, and already I have felt some truth from that statement growing in our family. I have seen a strength and courage in my wife that is not really surprising, but it is nonetheless impressive. She seems more shocked by her strength than I do. She is a brave and classy woman, and I love her deeply. Our kids, who have always been full of kindness and love, have been exceptionally caring and mature. They have been extremely patient and self sufficient as we race to answer phones, make appointments, or research new terms or procedures online. Outside of our family, we have seen our friends react with shock, than love, than concern. I have been witness to an extraordinarily compassionate part of some wonderful, selfless people who deal with people in pain every day and do it with a smile on their faces and a tender kindness that makes me want to cry. I have seen others who struggle each day with troubles that seem far greater than ours, and they are moving forward, carrying on as best they can. I have seen many things that were right in front of me but that I chose not to see until now. In so many ways I am seeing how a crisis can open your eyes to the small, seemingly insignificant behaviors that are the foundation and corner stones of sincere humanity and raw spirituality. .
I wonder sometimes if everyone plays out how they would act in certain scenarios, or if I am the only one. I like to think that I would be quick to act in a crisis – playing the hero, stopping the bad guys, saving the women and children from harm with no thought for my own safety. But I’m really not so sure that I would react that way in a real life crisis. I might just run away in fear, pushing any and all people out of my way as I went and looking for the nearest covers to hide under. I think it is very hard to say for sure until you are actually in the situation. But I do know this – I do not think I would have been one of the people sitting around waiting for help to come after Katrina struck. In fact, I think I would have been one of the people shown breaking into stores, or homes, or doing whatever I needed to do to get water and food and supplies for my family. If there is one thing my bride and I are learning through this trial, it is that he who waits too long often loses.
As I said, we have met some wonderful people who have devoted their lives to helping others and to dealing everyday with people’s emotional and physical pain. They are angels here on earth. We have also seen the effect of all of the people needing help, needing care, needing appointments, and assistance, and time. Sometimes things get put off. Sometimes things get forgotten. Sometimes people are very well intentioned, but the demands are too great, and time and resources are too limited. Some people doing this tremendously difficult work are tired of dealing with the pain – you can see it in their faces and hear it in their voices. They are spent – tapped out and hardened to the pain. And they tell you to wait. To sit down, and shut your mouth, and wait. Help will come. Just wait.
I wonder what would have happened if everyone who was told at one time or another to sit down and wait did so. Don’t get me wrong – waiting has it’s place, and in many, if not all of the stories I have read about spiritual and cultural heroes there always seems to be a period, a season of waiting. One of the best examples is the story of Moses. Whether you believe the story is factual or not is secondary to the point – in the story, Moses goes to Egypt and frees “his people”. This is no simple task – as a matter of fact, it is incredible. One man, weaponless, except for a series of odd weather phenomena and a stick that changes to a snake on demand, is able to face overwhelming forces of corruption and evil and to free innocent victims. He takes these people and a chase scene follows – cue the chariots, soldiers, and masses in sandals running away from Egypt. The Red Sea parts – Moses and “his people” dash through and seconds later “WHOOSH” the sea floods back upon the corrupt and evil forces. The innocent are saved, justice is served, God from his heaven has spoken, has handed out justice, and now Moses and his people can… can… wait. And not just wait for an hour, or a day, or a week. For forty years! Granted, people in the Old Testament seem to live a really, really long time “maybe it’s the lack of processed foods,” but forty years! What possible purpose can that serve?
And that is my biggest struggle with waiting. Looking for the purpose behind it. I would like to think that the waiting is a time for mindful preparation and introspection. The trouble, as I have mentioned in previous posts, is that my mind is not always my friend, and the squirrels and clowns that run amok in my brain like to paint scenarios of doom, gloom, and general frustration involving great gnashing of teeth and eating of unhealthy foods during what should be my mindful preparation periods. This does not seem to be helpful to me, and I highly doubt that it is what Moses and his people did during their forty years. I know they didn’t eat as much ice cream as I do during those years because they were in a desert and it would be difficult to keep it all cold. But I digress. The point is that my wife and I have been able to find out how we do with being told to wait because of this trial. And in waiting, we feel the palpable, precious seconds ticking away. We understand that we are not unique, or more deserving, or better in any way than anyone else seeking help. And we are willing to wait – for awhile. But we have come to realize that if we do not push, if we do not go into the overwhelming tasks with whatever bucket we can find, no one else may. This experience has shown us the importance of speaking up to be heard, and coming up with plans A, B, and C, just in case plan A seems to flame out or stall. If there is one thing this technological age has given us, it is a variety of choices about, well, about everything. Information is available, and information can truly be knowledge. And knowledge can truly be power. If nothing else, it can help to keep the squirrels and clowns at bay, and it seems to work a little better than ice cream.
Each day, ground is being gained, and we realize that adjacent to our current room is another in which the people who “have it even worse” are sitting, or standing, or crying because life is life and these things happen during our brief and wonderful and often bittersweet time in it. We are O.K. The distress signal has been sent out to friends, family, professionals, and the Universe, and we know, we can feel, that help is on the way. We sense and recognize when opportunities are presented, and we are learning to trust our intuition, our “guts” when things, or people don’t seem to match our current needs. Last week I proposed turning to the Serenity Prayer as a source of solace and strength, and I forgot to mention that some days the prayer is best mumbled continuously, like a ceaseless mantra until you see the lifeboats coming, or you decide to build a raft yourself. Either way you go, don’t forget to bring your bucket, just in case…
Brian,
Not sure what you and your family have gone through but glad you have found strength in one another.