Since quitting alcohol and other drugs 25 years ago, I always took a pass when it came to making New Year’s Resolutions. If asked about a resolution for the upcoming year, I simply responded, “I thought I might quit drinking.” I felt justified in giving other changes and sacrifices a pass not only because the process of sobriety and recovery is difficult, but also because I’ve never had success with any significant change that I waited to start. My most important life changes required more immediacy. Putting them off until the moon was in a certain phase, or the planets aligned just so, or I was in the part of my monthly mood cycle which tapped into optimal motivation never worked for me. For example, my sobriety is November 13. Besides being the birthday of one of my oldest friends, there is nothing particularly powerful or significant about this date. It just so happened that on November 12, 1996, I sat at a campsite on the shore of a chilly Adirondack lake with the aforementioned friend drinking too much and smoking countless cigarettes. After night fell, I concocted a plan to take the small rowboat we had with us over a small but powerful series of rapids nearby (did I mention it had been raining all day? Well, it had). If my friend had agreed, we most likely would have drowned, or at least lost a body part or two to frostbite (did I mention we didn’t bring any life vests?) After waking up somewhat slightly more sober on November 13 and realizing the implications my drunken decision would have had on my friend, my family, and the poor rescue crew called in to pull our bodies from the water, I decided to take a break from alcohol and nicotine for one year. A small experiment with sober living which lead to my sustained recovery.
Since putting the proverbial plug in the jug, there have been various other behavioral and cognitive changes that I’ve made – some only requiring a small tweak in thinking or behaviors, others which involved therapy, medications, and abstaining from the daily intake of ice cream as a source of solace from national and international events. When my wardrobe no longer fit, or the pain and uncomfortability from not changing became great enough, I was forced into thinking or behaving differently. New Year’s Resolutions be damned!
But change is a funny, fickle, and often temporary fling for me. In recovery, relapses are expected – those times when people go back to drinking or using other drugs in an attempt to recapture any thrill or relief their addiction brought. I’ve found that relapsing is a very common event for all human beings. I would bet that most everyone has relapsed at some time into an old, unhealthy relationship at some point in their lives. And by “relationship” I’m including not only the people we choose to love and befriend, but also the myriad of food, drink, and other substances we put into our bodies as well as the activities we fill our limited days on this planet with. Yes, Virginia, your daily trip to the coffee shop for the eight-dollar caffeine fix might be an unhealthy relationship. The same is true of your habit of buying those scratch-off tickets every day. And the tendency for attraction to romantic partners who seem to embody everything you detest in other people. These are all examples of potential unhealthy attachments. Things that many of us will swear off for brief periods and then return to again. As the New Year begins and resolutions abound, this tendency for people to relapse will soon reveal itself it countless ways and in many relationships we earthlings form with people, activities, and substances that, in the end, turn out to be extremely unhealthy for us. They weigh us down. They keep us heavy.
This brings me (at last) back to the main point. When I first stopped drinking, smoking cigarettes, and using other addictive drugs, I felt lighter almost immediately. The voice from deep inside me, the one that recognizes unhealthy and self-destructive behaviors, began to shout “Atta Boy” right away. My self-esteem and sense of accomplishment were bolstered. Getting sober and breaking off the unhealthy relationships with my favorite drugs was difficult, and I experienced many urges and cravings to pick up where I’d left off – to have just one more beer, maybe with one more smoke, and then start the whole sobriety process again in earnest. But during those times, I chose differently. I began to use the limited set of tools that I was learning from other people with longer recovery. And I started to crave the feel-goods, the natural highs from other relationships I was building. Exercise was one. So was getting up without a hangover in the morning and doing a daily prayer and meditation before walking the dog. I was reading voraciously at the time and making new friends with people who had chosen the path of a sober lifestyle. Each of these changes lightened my load.
Two and half decades later, I’m craving this lightness of spirit again. Because although I’ve maintained abstinence from alcohol, nicotine, and the sprinkling of other drugs I abused in the past (more to come about the role that my continued use and abuse of caffeine and sugar has played in weighing me down), I’ve lost much of the light and lightness that so attracted me to recovery in the early years. And I want it back.
So my New Year’s Resolution is to become lighter. Lightness is the goal for 2022. I’ll be posting, blogging, podcasting, and publishing my novel this year, all with the intention of lightening up. I hope you’ll join me on this journey. I’ve found that traveling together is one way to lighten the load, and I could certainly use some help and feedback along the way!
I’ll be right beside you.❤️
The last few years with politics, and COVID we have gotten very weighed down. That is an excellent goal. I’m joining the club.