52 weeks ago I set down a challenge for myself. I wanted to see if I could post a weekly blog for one year. Now I have done that. Hooray! And now, much like I assume Forest Gump felt like when he began running across the country and eventually realized he had no tangible goal, I think I am done. But I wanted to share some of the insights and happenings that were going on “behind the scenes” during these last 52 weeks before I part.
Like most of my endeavors, I began this project with minimal preparation, no clearly set goals, and absolutely no consideration of the effort it might take to complete the task. This method of “ready, shoot, aim” has been my primary modus operandi from as far back as I can remember, and, unfortunately for me, it has brought me more successes than failures. I say unfortunately because if the method had stopped working, I may have abandoned it years ago.
If you are unfamiliar with the method of behavior I am describing, picture it this way: you have hired a contractor to build your house – you have seen his work in the past and you like it. One morning “probably unannounced,” the contractor shows up at the job with a large truck load of lumber and ready to pour the concrete for the foundation. You think this odd, as he has not yet showed you a blueprint for the structure. In truth, he has no blueprint besides the vague ideas in his head which are based on the ideas you gave him. It may take some time and considerable blunders, backtracking, and use of foul language, but, if left to his own devices, the guy will create something good – something will eventually come into form that makes you say: “Oh, I see what he was talking about now – that large disheveled pile of lumber is starting to look like what I asked for!” And then you will both smile, and be happy, and talk about what to build next.
Or you will not. Especially if you are the type of person that likes to see the plan from the beginning. If that is the way you “roll,” you probably will be the person using the majority of the foul language as you watch the contractor blunder and backtrack along the way. I have learned over my lifetime, and certainly over this last year, that neither way is “wrong,” it just indicates your personality type, and how you are most effective and fulfilled. In fact, one of the things I am taking from this blog experience is the ability to embrace this part of myself. There have been many times that I sat down at the keyboard with only the vaguest idea of what I would write about. At those times, I actually felt the words and thoughts flow more smoothly and from somewhere deeper than in those times when I was trying to construct the “blueprint” of each sentence and paragraph. I have spent countless hours in the past allowing the voices in my head and some of those around me to tell me that I need to be more organized, more planned out, more of a long term thinker. This blog, and the history of my greatest successes and inner satisfaction do not support this. I am, by nature, spontaneous – and that is a beautiful thing! I also admire and deeply respect the “planners” out there. I have come to truly appreciate the amount of time, effort, and skill it takes to plot things out and then to design and organize them. I think those skills are wonderful! I am married to a “planner,” and she continues to amaze and impress me with her seemingly natural skills at making things look and run smoothly in our lives. In this way, we are the complements of each other, and we have, over time, come to respect each other’s natures and to find a balance that works for us.
I didn’t expect that this 52 week experience would allow me to feel more comfortable in my spontaneous skin. I also did not expect it would be so therapeutic. This year has not been particularly smooth or easy in our household. I have been juggling part time work for almost two years now – a situation that our current economy is putting many others into. I always find it amusing when people say “So how is the job going?” My immediate response is: “Which one?” I am extremely happy that I have a few varied skills to fall back onto, and that at no time am I completely dependent on one paycheck or one line of work, but at the same time, this situation makes for a very hectic “changing of hats” as I have tried to seize career opportunities while keeping some money coming in from my current work. I have been on many job interviews over the last year – some of which I made it to the second round, and a few of which I became employed through. The majority of them have been for teaching positions, and they have been extremely depressing and draining – leaving me with a palpable sense of how old I am in comparison to the other applicants, and of the ironically lucky situations schools are in at this time. There are many, many good teachers who have been laid off “I am one of them.” And there are also countless young, hungry, single applicants who are more than willing to throw their lives into a position and to work for less money. My hopes are that this will mean good news for our schools – especially for the students, because these quality educators will replace the “dead wood” of entitled teachers who have stagnated and need to go. But for me, the process of job hunting and interviewing has been tough. The blogs – none of which have I made any money on – have been a good place to reflect, and retreat, and to rejuvenate myself.
We also became “that family” last fall when my wife was diagnosed with breast cancer. My writing skills are completely inept when it comes to accurately describing what that experience has been like. A change in everything. Extreme recalculation of life and what is important. A cosmic kick to the head. Interestingly enough, we have been O.K. through it all. My wife in particular – the woman who has always said that she would freeze up in a fetal position if ever a crisis situation were to occur – has proven what I knew to be true from the first time I saw her: she really is Wonder Woman. She even looks like her. I may buy her the lasso and bracelets for Christmas this year. There are not many other words in our language that are more scary than cancer. And we are moving on – moving forward – having faith and trusting that, like everything else in life, this too shall pass. I originally thought that the blog would be about less personal things – professional topics and surface issues. Not so. It became very clear during our early days with cancer that I needed to get “real” in order to stay sane.
Which brings me back to the therapeutic value of this experiment. I really expected that the blog would be more interactive – that I would put some thoughts out there, and that I would get some thoughts back from whomever decided to read the things. I don’t know why I thought this, and early on I was shown that it would not be the case. In fact, after only a few weeks, I wondered if anyone was reading the blogs at all. In my grandiose and narcissistic mind, I expected comments and praise to flood in from all directions about the unique, wonderful, life altering topics I was covering each week. Instead, I was faced with the cyber equivalent of many crickets chirping in a field of complete stillness. Occasionally I would receive a comment on the website, which I was checking incessantly after posting the blogs on Tuesdays, and I also heard from some friends via emails about certain topics, but overall I was left wondering if this was really going to be worth all the time and effort if people were not even going to tell me how wonderful I was each week. Thank goodness for the silence. It annoyed me and provoked me and allowed me to say “ Fine – if no one is really reading anyway, I guess I’ll get honest, dig deep, and write about what is really going on – what I really think – with the gloves off and no holds barred.” I have stated throughout the year that this has really been more about keeping me in line and balanced than it has been about sharing any new, wonderful, prophetic messages with the world. I simply don’t have much to say that is new. My moments of strength and balance and occasional serenity have come from the ability to recall something that was stated or written by someone far wiser and more centered than myself. In that way, the majority of my counsel and advice has been completely borrowed, plagiarized, and regurgitated on these pages.
I want to thank all of you who have taken the time to read my work over the last year. I really appreciate it. I especially want to give a “shout out” to people who left messages, sent emails, or commented via Facebook. It was nice to know that some people were in fact reading, and some even had nice things to say! Recently I have started running into more and more people who mention reading the blog regularly. One friend told me “It always inspires me to ponder, but I do not know how to respond.” Other acquaintances will mention my writing and then look at me with apprehension – wondering if they should say anymore. It is as if they have seen me scurrying down the driveway in the morning to retrieve the newspaper in my boxer shorts, and they wonder if they should acknowledge it or not. I think I get it. It can be uncomfortable to see or read things about someone that are intimate, that allow you in to the messy rooms of their house. Although my intention was never to make anyone uncomfortable, I can understand how it happens – after all, I am the one running around in my boxer shorts, so to speak, allowing “or exposing, depending on your viewpoint,” people to the muddled, messy, imperfect parts of my life.
I would also like to thank a few others who have helped out over the last 12 months. To my wife and chief editor – a huge thank you for your patient weekly reviews, for all of the help, for mostly laughing with me and rarely laughing at me, and for just putting up with me in general – I love you all ways. Thank you to my two girls, for knowing when to “leave Daddy alone” as he ranted about getting the “rotten, worthless, blog” written before Tuesday morning rolled around. You are wonderful kids and people, and I hope that someday these writings will mean something to you. Thanks to my Mom – I always knew you were reading, and without your unending encouragement to try and do new things, I would never be living this beautiful life. I also have to acknowledge my relatives that have crossed over – the spirits and energy that have guided my thoughts and fingers each week to the extent that I would let them. And lastly to God, and to Jesus, and to Eminem – in that order – for creating this mysterious, hysterical universe, for teaching me about true humility and compassion, and for making some really dope, angry music that for some odd reason I can relate to fully. Much love and thanks to you all!
My last “behind the scenes” glimpse is of the future. My plan at this point is to begin a monthly newsletter from First Step that includes a blog topic. I will continue to fill all of your inboxes with the newsletter unless I hear otherwise from you. I am beginning the fall with a juggling act of employment – instructing two online courses, teaching one collegiate level course, booking speaking engagements and workshops through First Step, continuing work as an Addictions Counselor, and my newest venture – soliciting publishers with my 52 blogs and other writing samples in an attempt to actually earn money doing this! So that should be enough to keep me busy and out of trouble for another 52 weeks.
As I reviewed my year’s work over this last week, I noticed that my first blog was about “raising the bar”. I had honestly forgotten much of the blog, but when I reread it, all questions of whether or not I should continue with my weekly ramblings disappeared. I have really enjoyed doing this. It has brought me back into contact with myself – with a person that has much to say, that thinks way too much, and with a guy that needs to release the toxins and joys and general mayhem in the attic of his brain in order to maintain any degree of equilibrium on a day to day basis. But I also realized that continuing to do this would be too safe, too comfortable, and too easy of a bar to jump over. It is time to raise the bar. I need to try to publish my work. Feel free to assist me in this endeavor with any tips, agents, or experience you may have – I certainly am willing to accept all and any help!
As a parting thought, and in an effort to bring some kind of closure to this whole project, let me leave you with the biggest reward I will take as I move forward. I can now say that I am not just another person who had a good idea. Who had a good idea, and sat on his good idea, and maybe even talked about his good idea, but never took the first step towards achieving it. I have moved forward. I have tried. As simple as that may sound, it was really one of the biggest fears I uncovered over the last year, and it was also the cause of much internal frustration in the past. If you, like me, have a good idea – go for it. Do not let anything, or anyone, or any excuse keep you from moving forward – from taking the first step. We only get one shot at this particular life experience, and I now whole heartedly believe that the voice whispering those ideas in your ear is God – is your Higher Power, encouraging and supporting you to fulfill the dream, the calling, your destiny.
Thanks again to you all – look for the 1st newsletter in September.
Wow!! Been a year already?? I look forward to the monthly newsletters.
You may only still see comments from me from time to time as I, like many readers know what I’d like to say but can never find the right words. Rest assured I will keep reading though.
Thanks for sharing and caring!!!
It seems I am always saying congrats to you- you have remained an inspiration to me in many ways- way back when I thought I couldn’t breathe before doing a grp @ SPARC- thats 10 years ago- I can’t believe I can just walk in a grp room now and wing it- I think that came from something you told me in the beginning- that you will have good grps and bad ones and it really doesn’t have a lot to do with me and that’s ok- You are Ok Brian thanks for the inspiration -look forward to working with you and reading your monthly letter.
Noreen
I’ve thoroughly enjoyed your blog over the last 12 months and I am glad it will not be discontinued completely. Your thoughts and insights have been, at times,cause for self analysis and other times heartwarming but always thought provoking and enjoyable.
Brian, I have so enjoyed your blog this past year, I wish I had told you more often. You are an amazing teacher,friend and writer
who has taught me more than you could ever know…
I look forward to reading your newsletter, thank you for the “push”.
I don’t believe in coincidence. Frequently your blogs touched a nerve, and were just what I needed that week to lead me in a direction I would not have taken. I believe children come through us, and many times are the guides we need to show us a new path. I am so blessed to have the children including in-law children and grandchildren to give me the beautiful life I have. The world is a better place because you are all in it. I love you all very much.
Thank you, Brian. I’m glad you made the blogs more personal – they were very interesting, and they always got me thinking about my own experiences and views. I’ll certainly miss them, but will look forward to the newsletter. Good luck with the book – I will expect a warm, signed copy. :o)