Compared to the work of the last few weeks, this week’s task is not only easier, but more fun! I have heard it best stated in Stephen Covey’s book “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”. Covey puts it as habit two: Begin With the End in Mind. Habit one is: Be Proactive. Put simply, habit one is about “getting in the game.” Not waiting, or blaming, or stalling. Doing.
Beginning with the end in mind is defining your goals. It means asking yourself, in every situation “what is it that I want?” I have found this particularly effective when faced with a task or conversation that I think is going to be unpleasant, negative, or just plain horrible. In those situations, I tend to project an outcome that is usually based on the worst case scenario, and rarely, if ever, do I think about what I want to accomplish from the task before I enter in to it. I focus on the fact that I would rather not do it, and that it will probably turn out badly. That there is no way I will get what I want. Is it any wonder, than, that it does indeed turn out badly and that I don’t get what I want? In most of these conversations, I never actually state what I want because I haven’t done the planning beforehand to define it for myself. Covey suggests first writing down the best outcome that could happen – define your goals and your purpose for what you are about to do. Do not rush into the conversation, or the meeting, or the return counter in the store before you are clear on why it is you are doing whatever it is you are doing. What is your specific goal? Spell it out. We’ll get to the two way communication part of this in another blog – now you are just defining it for yourself.
The 12 step philosophy of Alcoholics Anonymous and other addictions has a similar mantra. “Play the tape through.” The emphasis of this slogan is to slow down your actions “or reactions” to the point where you are able to have perspective and insight on where your words and/or your actions will take you in the end. For example, it is unwise for anyone in recovery from alcoholism, especially in the early stages of recovery, to go and spend time in a bar. There are too many triggers – things that could set off the senses and lead to a relapse. Yet many people who have given up drinking think they can do this. Why? My experience has shown that most people do not begin with the end in mind. They do not play the tape through about where their actions might take them in the end. They do not take the time to think about the pros and cons of placing themselves in an unhealthy situation. They need to ask themselves: Why am I going to go to that bar? What are my perceived benefits of doing that? Once they have answered that question, the next question is: What are the possible costs or negative results from this decision? What could happen? What could this cost me? Once a person has answered these questions, the final question is: What is the best thing for me to do to reach the goals and outcomes I set for myself? In the same way, you can begin to define your goals and the pros and cons of your decisions.
I’m getting long winded again. It’s time for you to do the work. Today, ask yourself what you want from the various interactions and from the day to day routine you have set up. What do you want to accomplish at home today? What do you want from your marriage? What do you want from your body? What do you want from your free time? What do you want from your family members? Your friends? Your co-workers? This could be fun – you get to write down all the things you want!
Next week, we’ll talk more about how to get those things. For now, I encourage you to make the lists and to do one other thing that may seem slightly if not completely wacky. Once your lists are done, start to visualize yourself getting all of those things that you want. Allow yourself to daydream. See yourself getting all the things you have asked for. Start writing and enjoy!
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